Table Manners

Our family dinner time is a casualty of my and Diane's (mostly my) abnormal work schedule. At most we sit down to dinner together as a family three nights a week, and that's a stretch. And I blame any inadequacy of table manners on this disturbing yet unavoidable trend. Even so, Diane and I are doing our best to teach our girls appropriate table behavior, and to some it might seem we're fighting a losing battle.

Now I'm not sure how this happened, but our dining room set seems to have this mystical power over the girls' digestive systems. Or perhaps it's merely the relaxing nature of family dinner time that loosens their bowels. Or maybe they just like taking advantage of that hard wooden surface resting against their butt cheeks. Regardless of the reason, it seems like dinner time has become synonymous with gastrointestinal relief time. It got so bad that I finally had to make a decree: "If you girls have to fart, leave the room!" Well that backfired as well (hee hee) because even more disruptive than table-toots are two giggling girls frequently rushing into the den to make their gaseous deposits.

The other night it all came to a head and I was forced to amend my decree: "If you have to fart, don't! Just hold it in until after dinner!" That's what I do, and I don't think it's too much to ask of my girls.

We proceeded with dinner, and all was going well when Kyra tapped me on the shoulder. "Daddy, may I please be excused?" I was impressed by her manners, but was also puzzled because her plate was nearly full.

"Why? You're not done eating, are you?"

"No," she leaned in and whispered, "I have to fart."

At least she asked politely. That's half the battle.

If I Only Had a Band...

Saw this meme posted over at Cynical Dad and it looked fun...and easy. Follow the directions to create your own fake band.

1. The first title on this page is the name of your band.
2. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album. Click the "New Random Quotations" button for more.
3. The third picture on this page will be your album cover. You then take the photo and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your picture. Please don't forget to give credit.

I think I fared pretty well. Here's my new band:

Photo by Sudoksa

Now I just need to write some material, recruit some band members, and cut 8-10 songs to fill a CD. Screw that...I'm going to bed.

What a Pain in the Neck!

Yes, I've been reading Bram Stoker's Dracula, which I'm thoroughly enjoying, but it's merely coincidence to the neck pain I've been experiencing lately. I think. I haven't noticed any puncture marks in my throat lately, besides the ones Diane put there the other night (rowr).

A couple weeks ago I wrote about my pillow dilemma, where I bought a couple of "Super-Ultimate-Premium-Non-Allergenic-Extra-Firm pillows for $14.99" from Target. Well they turnout to be not as "Extra-Firm" as advertised, and in fact, like Dracula, they sucked. Big time. I tolerated them for a couple of weeks until I tired of waking up with neck pain that lasted throughout the day. It was time to bite the bullet.

I had a 20% off coupon to Bed, Bath & Beyond, and decided to take Muddleman's advice to check out their inventory. They have an overwhelming assortment of pillows, and after consulting an associate, I settled on a couple of $60 synthetic down side sleepers. And the greatest thing was that the associate assured me that if I wasn't satisfied with the pillow I could return it. How sweet is that?

I was pretty excited to give my new pillow a test run, and my initial impression was positive. It was firm and supportive, just what my neck needed over the course of the evening. Or so I thought. The problem with synthetic down is that it settles under the weight of my huge, brainy head. When I awoke in the middle of the night I could hardly move, with stabbing pain running from my right shoulder blade through the top of the back of my neck. It was so bad that I couldn't even sleep. Every time I'd move my neck screamed out in pain. So I packed up my $60 pillows and headed back to BB&B where I returned them with no questions asked.

Now I was back at square one. I knew that I needed the firmest pillow I could find, one that wouldn't sag under the weight of my head. This time I found a couple of therapeutic side sleepers for half the price. Whoo hoo! They're almost uncomfortably firm, but I think they will be fine once I break them in a bit. They give great support, and though my neck still hurts from sleeping on the other pillows, it's much better than it was. The next step is to replace our mattress, which we most likely will do courtesy of the government's recession-inspired economic stimulus package. God bless the USA!

One. More. Week.

There's only one show on television that I consider "Must See TV", that show being LOST (just in case you couldn't put things together from the pic there). Season 4 begins next Thursday night and I. Am. Stoked. I can't really classify myself as a LOST fanatic, although Diane might. I just love the show. I don't spend time scouring the internet looking for clues that might solve the mystery of the island anymore, or contribute to message boards, or wear LOST merchandise. But I did get goosebumps a few weeks back when the first promos for the new season came out. I guess that at least makes me a LOST geek.

No. This makes me a LOST geek. A co-worker showed me the rapid fire promo, frame by frame...and I watched. Eagerly. And we oooed and ahhed and bristled with excitement at the perceived secrets contained within. Why was Hurley in the water? What's up with the number "6"? Whose blood was dripping on Kate? And who's in the frickin' coffin!? Next week we start getting some answers.

So here's a little LOST promo of my own. For all of you LOST uninitiated, there's a summary show next Wednesday night, 9pm/8pm Central. Watch it. It won't give you all the gory details of the show, but it will bring you up to speed enough to enjoy the 2 hour season premiere on Thursday, 8pm/7pm Central. My work here is done.

Anatomy 101

I like to think of myself as someone who can adapt easily to change (stop laughing, Hon), which is a good thing or else I'd be going stark raving mad, especially at work. I'm open for new systems, techniques, routines, etc. as long as they make sense, make the job easier, or guard against a full system blackout. The same goes for the girls' education. I'm less interested in how they learn than that they learn. I learned in a system where there was a teacher, a blackboard, and a group of desks. We sat and the teacher taught and some of us learned and some of us didn't and those that learned made fun of those that didn't. Simple as that. Any questions?

Now I'm sure that today's educational system is, by and large, fairly similar to the one that I grew up with. There are still teachers and blackboards and desks, though they all have evolved over the years. The teachers sometimes wear jeans and are accompanied by teacher's aides, the blackboards are green, and desks, at least in the girls' classes, don't face forward, but are grouped together so that students are facing each other! HERESY! All this is to say that over time, research has shown that different people learn in different ways, and today's educational system has evolved to employ new pedagogies and teaching methods in order to maximize the learning potential of each student.

I've always embraced a "learning should be fun" philosophy, and I do what I can to contribute to the girls' educational development. I'd like to say that I created this fun exercise for the purpose of expanding the girls' knowledge, but in reality it started as something more puerile. It's a little game I like to call "Do This Or I'll Kick You In The _______." It's not that difficult of a game, but I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

I usually begin the game with a statement like this: "Hey Kailey, pick up your toys in the family room or I'll kick you in the throat."

She'll laugh then retort, "Oh yeah, well I'll kick you in the butt!" (Their first two responses are usually "butt" or "pee pee", which are infinitely hilarious to 7 and 8 year-olds...OK, me too.)

I'll kick it up a notch as we go back and forth, with offerings such as "spleen", "esophagus", or "medulla oblongata". They'll get a puzzled look on their faces and ask "What's that?" which I take as an educational opportunity to show them the different components of their anatomy. It's pure genius in my humble opinion. The girls will be in class one day where they're discussing the pituitary gland and they'll be able to yawn and say, "Yeah, I know all about that. My Dad threatened to kick me there the other night." But sometimes my little game backfires.

The other night Kyra and I were volleying over cleaning off the table when I threatened to kick her in the "Eustachian tubes". When I explained to her that they were canals that connected her ears to her throat, she freaked. "Mommy!" she cried as she ran from the room. "Daddy said he was going to kick me in the EUSTACHIAN TUBES!"

She might not appreciate it now, but in fifteen years, when she's breezing through medical school, she'll thank me.