Of All The Days to Start Fasting...

...from television: opening day of the NFL season, and I saw NONE of it. Nada.

My class assignment this week is to fast from television for 72 hours, then write a reaction paper describing the experience. Seeing as how I WATCH TV FOR A LIVING, putting your very favoritest shows on your wide screen HD TV for your viewing pleasure, I burst into laughter upon reading it. I'm not addicted to television, and with the exception of watching LOST, which doesn't come back until January, I could probably find many more worthwhile things to do with my time than watch TV. In fact, if it were up to me, I would watch very little TV while at home. The hard part is not getting enticed when Diane and the girls watch TV. Since Diane only watches reality shows, and the girls watch Disney, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon, this shouldn't be too hard. So I decided to give the assignment the good ol' college try. Sorry.

I was 100% with the program until about 7:30 this morning when a thought sat me bolt upright in bed...THE BEARS PLAY THE CHARGERS TODAY! FOR REAL! I broke into a cold sweat. How could I have forgotten something so important! Like forgetting your anniversary! OK, not that bad, but close. Today my NFL withdrawal was going to come to an end as I partook in a double-dose, nay, a triple-dose (how could I forget about Sunday night football?) of bone-crushing pigskin action.

But it wasn't meant to be. I stuck to my guns and refrained from spending any time in front of the boob tube. Instead I spent the afternoon playing with the girls and working on some of their softball skills, which I have to admit was probably time better spent. I later logged on to the computer to see how the Bears fared: a 14-3 loss to the Chargers. Three measly points? My time was DEFINITELY better spent. And I was in a better mood too. Hell, if this is how the Bears are going to perform, I'll GLADLY fast from television for the rest of the season!

I Can See Clearly Now

Every once in a while, I have an epiphany. OK, every once in a GREAT while. I don't know whether it's because the stars are perfectly aligned or just something I ingested, but when it happens, I feel stupid because it seems as though what has been unveiled from my limited understanding is so obvious that I can't believe I didn't see it before.

Tonight I had an epiphany.

I was doing the dishes. But I don't think that had anything to do my epiphany. At least I hope not because I hate doing the dishes almost as much as I hate doing pinks. And I would hate to think that my epiphanies are directly linked to doing something I hate. That would suck. So I'm doing the dishes AND listening to Diane talk to her sister on the phone. I do like eavesdropping, so hopefully that's linked to my epiphanies, but probably not. I'm done trying to discover my epiphany trigger, I promise.

My sister-in-law is single and has a less than stellar track record in the relationship department, which really stinks because I believe that she's an amazing person. So while she was visiting last week, Diane decided she was going to hook her up on eHarmony.com. No more talking to guys in bars or receiving unwanted advances at the airport or the grocery store. This way she could at least investigate some relatively normal men and communicate with them before deciding to meet them. I guess she had thought about registering at eHarmony, but felt weird about filling out all of the questionnaires. Tired of her sister's lame excuses, Diane took action and decided to register for her. Talk about the blind leading the blind. What these two don't know about computers and the internet could fill a set of Collier's encyclopedias, God bless 'em. But where my wife lacks in computer knowledge, she makes up in initiative, and she set herself to the task of creating an eHarmony account for her beloved sis.

Since deciding to do this for her sister, Diane has been on the computer for TWO DAYS STRAIGHT. No, she's not stupid. It didn't take her that long to set up the account. She did give me a call at work last night to get help uploading a picture, but other than that, she did all the work herself. But now that she's set up the account, she's been checking out the guys that are "compatible" with Debbie, then calling her and scrolling through the list of possible suitors with her FOR HOURS. Before this dating service fiasco began, the longest Diane spent on ANY computer outside of work is TEN MINUTES, usually to read my lame blog to make sure I'm not libeling her or the girls.

So what happened? Enter my epiphany. Hello.

So I'm standing there washing my dishes and listening to these two women dish on the different guys that have been matched to Deb's account when I remembered something I heard several years ago about how to get women involved in something they're not naturally inclined toward. In this particular case, it was sports. It was just before the Super Bowl and there was a discussion on how to get your wife more interested in watching the game. For guys, there's bone-crushing hits, receivers going long, fast play, violence, cheerleaders...what's not to like? But since women tend to be more relationship-oriented, it was suggested that husbands should talk to their wives about the PLAYERS to get them more interested about the game. "See that guy? His name is Jim Kelly (like I said, I heard this years ago). He has a son with an extremely rare disease, so he spends much of his time in the off-season raising awareness and funds for research. That guy on the other team? He just cheated on his wife and left her with the kids. He deserves to get crushed." Blah, blah, blah. To a certain extent (in our case), it worked.

So what was the impetus for Diane's new interest in computers? RELATIONSHIPS! She went from a computer illiterate to a, well, slightly LESS computer illiterate because she wants to help get her sister a man! I've been trying to get Diane more interested in learning about computers for years! Little did I know that I would need to start a dating service to rouse her interest. Now I can't get her OFF the computer. I practically had to wrestle her out of the chair just so I could type this entry. OK that's not true, but earlier she JOKED that we would have to wrestle over computer time.

Wait. I think I just had another epiphany. I'm not sure how in love I am with the idea of my wife spending hours on the computer looking at other men "for her sister".

Epiphanies suck.

Gateway To/From Hell

I own a Gateway computer. I bought it two years ago under the impression that Gateway made a reliable computer. Unfortunately, impressions are often wrong, and I soon discovered through Consumer Reports that Gateway has one of the highest repair/service records of computer manufacturers. Note to self: read Consumer Reports BEFORE you buy.

Now to be fair to Gateway, I may be somewhat responsible for the current issues I'm having with my computer, with a BIG emPHAsis on "MAY". My computer was working just fine until I decided to upgrade my operating system in order to be able to use my new Zune player. Then things went rapidly downhill from there. About a month after installing the new OS, my computer completely died. I'd turn it on and it would try to boot, but then a cryptic message of gobbledy-gook would appear on the screen. I wrote it down and called Gateway support. "Oh, that's bad," the tech said with a hint of smirk in his tone. "Your hard drive is gone. You'll have to replace it." I told him the computer was less than two years old, but he was unflappable in his these-things-sometime-happen attitude. I called a computer geek repair dude (who wasn't at all geeky) who verified that my hard drive was indeed dead, and I paid him one arm and one leg to replace it and recover the information from my old drive. Did the new OS have anything to do with the failure of my hard drive? Probably not, but I'm open to the possibility.

So my new hard drive was tooling right along until a couple of weeks ago when my computer inexplicably began to lock up. No amount of CTRL+ALT+DEL could bring it back, so I'd have to power it down and restart the computer. Then the computer wouldn't boot. To make a long story short, I discovered that the registry was corrupt. I have no frickin' idea what this really means, but I do know that it's a fairly common problem to which there is no easy fix. My computer will eventually reboot, but I have to turn it off, unplug it, and let it "rest" for awhile before it will cooperate.

I've used System Restore and tried to reconfigure my settings to an earlier restore point. No good. I've done a full system restore, wiping out my hard drive and starting from scratch. No good. I've used my Windows XP discs to try to repair the registry. No good. Then last night, I did a total XP reinstall that reformatted the hard drive and deleted many of my drivers that I still need to reinstall. It's the last straw. If this doesn't work, I'm going to send my Gateway from Hell straight back to where it came from, and I don't mean Best Buy. Then I'm going to buy a Mac.

Feeling Like a Fool

I walked into the men's room at work to find the solitary urinal occupied by one of the account executives who works upstairs. We've seen each other on occasion and have exchanged pleasantries, but that's about the extent of our relationship. I gave him a "How goes?" (no pun intended) and made my way to one of the stalls, not expecting a reply.

"So, do you think I need to stop at the store to pick up something for dinner?" he asked, still facing the wall.

I stopped dead in my tracks and did a quick scan of the men's room. No one else was there. I looked back at him...one hand rested on his hip while the other, well, you know, WASN'T holding a cell phone, so I decided he must be talking to me. "Ummm, I don't know...I guess it depends on what you want," I offered, a little unnerved and still unsure of why in the world he would ask me such a question.

He wasn't talking to me. He turned his head toward me (his body was still engaged) to reveal a wireless Bluetooth receiver in his left ear. Darn you, modern technology! Dude was apparently making dinner plans with wifey-poo while taking a leak. Talk about multitasking. He shot me a quick grin then turned back to continue his conversation and finish the job. I felt like a big dork (pun again not intended), and walked swiftly into the nearest stall where I conducted my business while waiting patiently for him to exit the men's room.

Thank goodness I don't see him that often, but I'm not going to avoid him. Next time I see him I'm going to ask him what they had for dinner. He'll probably have no idea of what I'm talking about and I'll look like a dork again...what's new.

Getting Used to Disappointment

With all the crap that goes on in my life, you'd think that my paradigm, my default approach or mantra would be somewhere in the realm of "expect disappointment". Like that poor, lovable sap, Charlie Brown, I come truckin' full speed ahead whenever life holds that beautiful football to the ground, fully expecting that this time I'll send it soaring end over end through the golden goal posts, only to have it yanked from my reach at the last second. I end up on my back, again, looking up at the sky where I utter a little prayer, "Why me?"

OK, so that intro is a little over the top (now you know where Kyra gets her melodramatic tendencies), but I'm frustrated. With my Zune. Well, not with my Zune specifically, but with the FM transmitter I couldn't buy at Best Buy but could buy on Best Buy's website, so I did and then had to wait in anxious anticipation for ten days for it to arrive. Pssst, here it is...look at this big, juicy football...

Diane called me at work last Thursday to tell me that my "thing" came. Finally! I arrived home to find a box, much bigger than necessary, waiting for me on the counter. Cool! I opened it, removed two yards of bubble pouches, and found the treasure resting at the bottom of the box. Let's see if it works! I removed the transmitter from its box, grabbed my Zune, and headed to the bedroom. Diane was in bed and she immediately noticed the look of determination in my eyes. "Got your new toy?" she asked.

"Yup."

I sat down next to her and began to demonstrate the capabilities of the long-awaited transmitter, "You plug this into the Zune, dial in an unassigned frequency, then tune the radio to the same frequency." I dialed the transmitter to 90.1, the frequency that worked best according to the Best Buy guy, then slowly turned the dial on the clock radio sitting next to the bed. The radio crackled and warbled as I scrolled through the various stations until Coldplay's "Don't Panic" came roaring to life. "Well, I'll be...it works!"

The real test would come in the car and the results vary. At times it sounds great, but overall I'm disappointed. I haven't been able to find a completely static-free channel, and every time I drive through an intersection with stoplights, I lose the signal due to interference. A couple of friends have told me that cassette adapters work better than the transmitter, but I don't have a cassette player in my car. Once again, I'm screwed. He swings...he misses...he catapults through the air!

I've already invested nearly $500 in the Zune, the system upgrade, and the transmitter in a vain attempt to enjoy my music with a high-quality signal in my car. I guess my next Zune upgrade will have to be the purchase of a new vehicle. At least then I can say I got a car out of the deal.

Accessories Can't Come Zune Enough

I'm enjoying my Zune, but there's no way this thing is going to be an iPod killer anytime soon (I'm done with the puns, I promise).

Two weekends ago I finally updated my computer's Operating System and got my Zune up and running. I then spent the next few days loading it up and reviewing potential accessories online. I do most of my music-listening in the car, so I was specifically interested in a car adaptor. I went back to the Zune website and quickly found what I was looking for: a Zune car pack with an FM transmitter. Price: $80. Basically you tune your car radio to an unused channel, then tune the FM transmitter that's plugged into your Zune to the same frequency, and vua...vou...vwall...ta-daa, you're in business.

In theory. I had questions about how well the thing worked, so I didn't order it right away. I also had a couple of Best Buy gift cards, so I ventured into their local store to check it out. After all, Best Buy had the Zune accessories on their website. Why wouldn't they have them in their stores?

Well, they didn't. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Not a good way to kill the iPod. I don't know why Best Buy wouldn't stock Zune accessories and their associates didn't seem to know either. Shocker. They simply didn't have them and were surprised when I told them their website did. However, what they did have in excess were iPod accessories...rows and rows of iPod stuff. Death is in the pot! Not!

I decided to check out an iPod, since I had never really looked at one, and compare it to the Zune. As soon as I picked up the iPod I questioned my decision to keep the Zune. The iPod is thinner, lighter, and sleeker than the Zune. And the flywheel on the iPod is simply amazing, making navigation through the music library a breeze. I nearly turned around and went right home to pack up the Zune. Unfortunately I have too much vested in it already.

The three things the Zune has going for it are the larger screen (great picture, but possibly contributing to its bulkiness), a sexier looking interface, and a built-in FM tuner. The feature that Microsoft is touting the most is its wireless file-sharing capabilities, which may prove to be significant in the future, but for now seems to be fairly lame. I haven't used the feature yet, but apparently there are only a limited amount of songs that can be shared, and shared songs can only be listened to a limited amount of times. So overall it seems pretty...limited.

But after spending $100 on a system upgrade and ripping at least 100 CD's, I decided to keep my Zune. I flagged down an associate and asked him how well the FM transmitters performed in general. He told me that he had one and it worked great. Good enough. I thanked him and returned home to order the transmitter through Best Buy's website, using my Best Buy gift cards. That was last Tuesday. Last time I checked the UPS tracking info (ummm, roughly 2 seconds ago), my transmitter was still in Denver. It's been in Denver for three days, which is not a Microsoft issue, but still! Dude, I just want to listen to my Zune in the car!

I do like my Zune. It's much cooler than any player I've ever owned and it puts my other mp3 players to shame. But, come on Microsoft. An iPod killer? Get real. It's not designed as well as an iPod, you can't buy songs as easily as you can with an iPod (I didn't even touch on that one), and I can't even buy a Zune accessory at a major national retailer. And when I do order it online, it takes over a week to get here? These people need to get their shact together. An iPod killer? So far, the Zune doesn't even leave a scratch.

Worth It? Too ZUNE to Tell

My wife bought me a Zune media player for Christmas and I have yet to use the cockamamie thing. It's not out of lack of desire, mind you, just one of those "Murphy's Law" things that seems to have a death grip on my life.

I didn't ask for a Zune, wasn't expecting a Zune, was completely surprised when I opened my present and found a Zune, and was totally stoked that I was now a Zune owner. It was a great gift. I spent the rest of Christmas morning fulfilling my fatherly duties by freeing and assembling the girls' toys.

By late morning I had completed my duties, so I retired to my computer to set up my new toy. To say I was excited is an understatement. I couldn't wait to discover the capabilities of the Zune. I loaded the software CD into my computer and waited for it to download and install. A moment later, however, a message appeared on the screen, something to the effect of "Incompatible with operating system". WHAT? There must be something wrong. I reloaded the disc and received the same message.

My computer is less than two years old. It's a MEDIA CENTER EDITION running Windows XP. How could a Microsoft MEDIA PLAYER not be compatible with Windows XP Media Center Edition?

I soon found out. A quick trip to the Zune website showed me that it was only compatible with the 2005 version of XP MCE. I bought my computer in 2005. What's the deal?

Further investigation showed that I was running Windows XP MCE 2002. Why is the computer that I bought in '05 running an '02 version of XP?

Too...many...questions...head...going...to explode.

The only thing not confusing to me at this point was the fact that I would not be using my new Zune any time soon. I can't handle those wide emotion swings. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. OK, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but not much. Now I had a decision to make: I could return the Zune and get some other electronic device, I could exchange the Zune for an Ipod which most certainly should work with my computer, or I could keep the Zune and upgrade my operating system.

The easy money, the easy solution, was on options A or B. What did I choose? Option C. What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment. I don't know why, but I wasn't thrilled with the first two options. I developed an infatuation with my new Zune, and I wanted to see it work. But I sat on it for a couple of weeks just to be sure.

Last week, after much research on upgrading operating systems and deciding that it was something I could do, I ordered the upgrade software, all the while thinking that even though it sounded fairly simple, that something very very bad was going to happen. Murphy's Law, remember? It rules my life.

The software arrived on Wednesday, and Thursday morning around 8:30 I began the upgrade. Reviews of the product indicated that a full system upgrade would take around two hours. I followed the directions carefully, but my computer had other ideas, as computers often do. Four hours later, as I left for work, the update was still downloading. Something was obviously wrong, but I wasn't prepared to deal with it. I phoned home a couple of times that night to see if the download had progressed, but it hadn't. I am sooooo screwed.

I returned home that night to find the download exactly where I left it...not good. I did the only thing left to do...I held my breath and unplugged the computer. The screen went blank. Now, for the moment of truth. I plugged it back in and turned on the computer to see just how hosed I was. The monitor blinked to life and I was surprised to find that it had returned to the previous screen. A prompt then appeared asking for the first installation disc. Well, this can't be bad. I returned the disc to the tray, and lo and behold, the installation continued. A message popped up indicating that installation would be complete in 22 minutes. WHOO HOO! IT'S ALIVE!

I jumped up, grabbed a beer, and returned to supervise the rest of the installation. It finished without incident as I, in turn, finished the beer...without incident. I rebooted the computer just to see if everything was OK, then turned it off and went to bed. I still had a bunch of updates to install, but decided that I'd had enough excitement for one day.

Friday morning I continued where I left off by installing the updates from the Microsoft website. All was going well until my computer froze right in the middle of one of the installations. Ohhhh...Crap.

I hit Ctrl+Alt+Del.

Nothing.

I hit Esc.

Nothing.

I hit random keys all over the keyboard...I panicked, OK? Nothing I did woke up the computer. This is really, really not good. I unplugged the computer, then tried to restart it.

Disc-read error. Restart. Disc-read error. Restart. Disc-read error. Restart.

I couldn't even get it to the Windows XP startup screen. So I tried System Recovery.

Disc-read error. Restart. Disc-read error. Restart. Disc-read error. Restart.

Totally exasperated, I unplugged the computer and flung the plug against the wall. I was going to have to do a total system reboot requiring me to reformat the hard drive...my worst nightmare. I decided to give it one more try. I returned to the stupid frickin' computer and plugged it back in. I turned it on. It worked. Glory Hallelujah. System Recovery ran and restored my computer without deleting any files or programs. Whew! I left well-enough alone and went to work.

This morning I returned to the task at hand: finishing those pesky web updates. They completed without a hitch. My operating system upgrade took three days to complete. I was tired. Why am I doing this again? THE ZUNE, oh, yeah, right. Now for the REAL test and the moment of truth. Will the Zune software load?

It did. No kidding. And it is cool. Unfortunately, I don't know exactly how cool it is yet. I had to go to work while it fully charged. So was it worth all the trouble? I hope so. But for now, it's too zune to tell.