Sunday, November 18, 2007

A Note to Obnoxious Starbucks Guy

Dear New Starbucks Drive-Through Guy,

I'm normally a pacified, peace-loving human being, but in the few brief interactions we have had, I have been pushed to the brink of my sanity. Now I realize that the culture created by Starbucks produces employees who are warm, personable, interactive, sometimes a little over the top, but still tolerable. And I am more than happy to converse with people who are genuinely engaging. You, however, have taken "over the top" to an art form.

I am a simple man with simple pleasures, one of which is to pick up my venti drip coffee as a pick-me-up before a long shift at work. I can be a little cranky when my caffeine level is low, and your fake-enthusiastic greeting doesn't help matters any. Neither do your pet names. I don't know you and don't enjoy being referred to as "bud", "guy", "dude", and sure as hell not "pal". In your case I would gladly concede to being referred to as "sir" before any of these. And let me remind you that you're working in a drive-through. Your job is to take my order, see that it's filled in a timely manner, and be pleasant in the process. I don't want to answer stupid surveys that you've made up off the top of your head or give you the details of my daily plans or the contents of my lunch bag. Sometimes silence is golden.

How you ever got hired by Starbucks to begin with is a mystery to me. Even more mysterious is why they let you interact with customers because you are quite possibly the most annoying person I have ever met. The only reason I can think of is that the other employees have banished you to the drive-through window so that they don't have to be subjected to your hyperactive banter. My wife suggested that I try to out-annoy you, but I know that's not humanly possible. So, instead, I offer a little word of advice: go back on your meds. They help. They really do. And if you're opposed to that, perhaps find a new line of work more suitable for your "talents". Like telemarketing or used car sales. Just leave my beloved Starbucks alone.


A Caffeine-Deprived Customer

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